A Parody in Three Parts
by coffeelatte
Summary: What really happens when a girl attempts to crossdress to join the boys' team of the three biggest schools. Turns out, it's not that easy to join the boys' team; at the end of it all, she just may need professional help. Crack / parody fic.


**A/N:** So this is a bit of a parody on all the plots in the fandom about girls who crossdress to join the boys' team. This isn't meant to offend anyone at all – simply my take on what would actually happen if, in the series, a girl showed up and tried to join the teams. LOL. Tell me what you guys think, yes? Hahahaha.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own PoT.

* * *

**SEIGAKU**

Echizen Ryoma isn't stupid. Sure, as many of his rivals and teammates like to point out, he's nothing if not oblivious – but there's a fine line between obliviousness and stupidity, and he's the prodigal freshman tennis player, not stupid.

Besides, he's sixteen now, not thirteen, and despite the fact that he _still_ hasn't hit that damnable growth spurt he's waiting on, he knows a little bit more about girls than he used to back in the seventh grade. Ryuzaki's braids are still a little too long though, and even if her cooking tastes good, he's still not too sure why she keeps bringing him food at lunch. Not much has changed since junior high.

So all things aside, he's pretty sure he'd recognize a girl when he saw one – even if said girl was currently dressed in a _boys_' school uniform. His eyes are sharp, almost nearing Eiji-senpai's perfect vision when he's concentrating, and he can see the awkward way her body doesn't fill the edges of the black uniform, the way how there's a few too many curves to her figure for the straight cut of the black jacket and trousers to fit her the way it should have fit a boy.

But Ryoma's never been one to judge people, and he figures that people can live their lives the way they want to. And so, he's prepared to simply walk on by her-

-when suddenly, the girl reaches out and taps his shoulder.

Slowly, he turns, blinking owlishly.

"Do you know where the boys' tennis club is?" she asks, voice all feminine the way most girls' voices are after reaching puberty.

Ryoma is a bit confused as to why she wants directions to the boys' team, but he doesn't much care, either. So he starts walking to the boys' courts (since he'd been walking over there anyway, before this weird girl came up to him and took up more of his time), and he pauses only to tilt his head. Thankfully, the girl seems to understand, and follows along.

"I heard the boys' team was good here," she says, and Ryoma makes a quiet noise in the back of his throat.

"I want to join," she continues, and Ryoma only tugs his cap down lower.

This girl talks far too much for his tastes, and quite frankly, the things she says border on the cusp between weird and insane. But again, Ryoma doesn't judge, and people are free to do what they want to. So he continues to walk wordlessly to the courts, and when he gets there, filters gracefully through the gates into the regulars' area.

The girl, he's noticed, hasn't stopped trailing after him, all the way into the regulars' area.

"Ryoma. You're late," Tezuka's voice rings out sternly, just before Ryoma's walked over to the small circle of regulars. Eiji has already begun to hop up and down in a light warm up, beside a warmly smiling Fuji. From beside them, Momo and Kaidoh seemed to have gotten into another argument, and Kawamura – thankfully – has yet to find purchase in a racket for his hand. Inui, from the center, looks up, glasses gleaming, just before he sees the girl behind Ryoma.

Eiji beats him to the punch, though. "Hoi hoi – who's that girl, nya?"

The girl behind Ryoma stiffens.

Ryoma raises a lazy brow and glances disinterestedly back once, before turning to face the team again. "Oh. Right. Buchou, a girl's here and she wants to join the boys' team," he mutters in his usual apathy, before taking the few paces forward to complete the regular's clutter, and bends down to tighten his shoes and take off his jacket.

Tezuka spares her a momentary glance, before a swift "Please go to the next set of courts for the girls' team registration" exits his lips. He spares her no further attention, and turns back to his team.

In the meantime, Ryoma swats away Fuji's slender hands, which have somehow wound themselves around his shoulders intimately. "Hi Ryo-baby," he murmurs in Ryoma's ear, and Ryoma's frown deepens.

"I have to finish tying my shoes, Shusuke."

"I-I'm not a girl!" Finally the girl speaks. And at that outburst, all eight boys turn their heads to stare at her; the next few moments pass in an awkward sort of silence, broken only by the idle 'tap tap tap' as Eiji continues to bounce.

Inui's quiet, creepy "Ii, data," breaks the silence.

"Don't be silly, nya – of course you're a girl," Eiji laughs, and assumes that this must be some sort of a prank from the girls' team, or something.

"I'm not," she insists, and from the racket bag on her shoulder, pulls a red racket out. "I'm here to try out for the boys' team." She frowns, because she doesn't understand how on earth they could have figured out she was a girl-! She's stuffed her hair into the white cap on her head, and tightly bound her chest with bandages; there was no visible sign that she was a girl at all.

Tezuka stares at her quietly for a few moments, and Oishi can't help but give her a concerned look as well. The girl fidgets.

"Tezuka," Oishi murmurs quietly, so that the girl can't hear. "I think we should call the school therapist over- I'm worried for that poor girl. I think she really believes she's a boy."

"Aa."

Before Oishi can bustle off to fetch the counselor, though, the girl tightens her grip on her racket and repeats, "I'd like to have a match with a regular, please – so I can join the team."

Fuji chuckles at that notion into Ryoma's ear, and the younger boy rolls his eyes at the way Fuji constantly insists upon draping himself over his body. He struggles out of Fuji's grip and stands up, shoes tightened. Ryoma snorts, then, because he's had enough of this nonsense, and he's really been looking forward to that match with Shusuke today – a match he can't have if that psycho continues to hold off practice.

He marches up to her, then, and his eyes flatten into irritated golden hues. "Your hat is lumpy," he declares, almost accusingly, as a fellow hat aficionado.

The girl blinks. "So?"

Fuji laughs a little more, melodious tinkles in the air.

With a roll of his eyes and a grumble, Ryoma says, "So," and he doesn't finish the statement. Instead, in a fluid, deft movement too quick for her eyes to catch, he's swung his racket upwards to push at the bill of her cap.

The hat flutters to the ground, revealing a cascading wall of long, brown hair - the culprit behind the lumps in her hat. "You're a girl, stupid."

The girl is frozen, before- "But I can still join the boys' team! I'm good enough, and we can just keep my gender a secret from the other teams!"

"Holy shit," Momoshiro splutters, his fight with Kaidoh temporarily paused. "This chick's mental." He stares at her with wonder. "I've never seen a crazy person before."

Kaidoh spats with disgust.

"Oishi," Tezuka clears his throat. "Now would be a good time to fetch the therapist-"

"I'm not crazy!"

Kaidoh's had enough. Tennis practice is an important, almost sacred routine for him, and he refuses to allow it to be delayed further by this _nonsense._

He stalks forward, all too-long arms and hunched figure, until he's but a hair's breath away from the girl. The girl looks suitably terrified, but holds her ground.

That is, until Kaidoh curls his upper lip into a snarl.

At that, the girl shrieks, promptly drops her racket, and stumbles out of the courts.

"We should still let the counselor know," Kawamura adds, worriedly.

"That there's a psycho loose on campus?" Ryoma questions, boredom back in his tone, and tugs his hat down. "Shusuke. Let's play."

From the ground, Fuji beams up at Ryoma. "Sure, Ryo-chan."

* * *

**HYOTEI**

She's learned from the Seigaku Incident, as she calls it now. She hadn't been able to show them her awesome tennis skills, since she got outed as a girl before she could – but she's sure that this time, she'll be able to at least display her talent before getting caught. And she's cut her hair this time, too, so that it's short. Like a boy's.

And this time, she's at Hyotei – where they value skill above all else.

Things will be different, this time around.

She's submitted a formal request to join the team, and has her match against one of the regulars scheduled for today. Of course, the usual process was to wait around for the quarterly ranking matches, but considering how she was a recent transfer, they made an exception and agreed to 'see her skills,' since she was just joining the club, and all.

She tightened her grip on her racket and smiled confidently.

When she stepped into the regulars' courts, she walked over onto the empty side; on the other side stood Hiyoshi Wakashi, the second year. She'd done her research. On the sidebleachers sit the other regulars, seated elegantly, intimidating, as though kings upon their throne. She notices the captain, Atobe, at the highest perch, staring down at her in a mixture of interest and expectation.

It's her serve.

She's about to toss the ball up into the air, when suddenly, her opponent frowns from across the courts, and turns to face the regulars on the bleachers.

"Atobe-buchou. I don't play girls," he says, and she's jolted in surprise.

How did _he_ know?

"Oh, did you notice too, Wakashi?" Oshitari murmurs silkily from beside Atobe, a charming smile on his lips.

Shishido scratches the back of his head. "That's a chick?" he asks, and Gakuto rolls his eyes.

"I thought we all knew," Gakuto shrugs, and stretches in a strange, knee-over-head motion. "I thought this was Atobe's way of letting us have some fun during practice."

Choutarou is mystified, and continues to stare wondrously at the girl through wide, innocent eyes. "How did senpai all know?" he breathes, because he'd _no idea_ that that'd been a girl.

Gakuto laughs and pets him fondly on the head. "Oh, Choutarou."

"Those legs cannot possibly belong to a boy," Oshitari murmurs, eyes zeroing in onto said pair of legs at the moment. "Though they could use some cardio work. They're looking a bit loose," says the female leg extraordinaire.

Gakuto glances at them, before "Oh yeah. You're right."

At this, the girl is exasperated, and points her racket straight at them, this time. "I'm here to play a regular for a spot on the team!"

A pause, before all of them promptly burst into a mixture of chuckles and laughs and amused smiles. Atobe, however, simply smirks majestically, and looks down at her with an extraordinary amount of arrogance. "Silence," he commands, and snaps. "The reason she is here is clear."

"No shit," Gakuto snaps. "She just said she wants to join the team-"

"This girl is here," Atobe continues imperiously, deftly ignoring Gakuto, who rolls his eyes. "because she is in love with Ore-sama."

Shishido chokes on his own saliva. Oshitari has a highly amused smile blooming on his lips, and Gakuto throws his hands up into the air in sheer exasperation. Fucking narcissistic captains – such pains in the ass, really. Choutarou tilts his head to the side and stares at her curiously, and from across the court, Hiyoshi mutters an agitated "Gekokujo" – he'd gain _nothing_ from winning a match against this pathetic girl, he decides, and leaves the courts to join the rest of the regulars.

"You girl. Come closer. Ore-sama is impressed by your dogged devotion to his greatness – going as far as to pretend to be a boy, to get closer to Ore-sama."

The girl gapes.

"All other fans should endeavor to follow in your footsteps," Atobe declares, and drapes a hand along the side of his face, smirk still painted upon his lips.

Hiyoshi has already lost all interest, and takes to exhibiting various martial arts forms on the bleachers to train – because clearly, practice won't be taking place today. Thanks a lot, psycho, he thinks. Jiroh chooses this moment to wake up – briefly – and his eyes glaze over at the girl. "Wha's a girl doing on our courts?" he mumbles sleepily.

"Dunno," Shishido responds, more drawn to re-gripping his racket than anything else. "Think she's one of Atobe's worshippers."

"Oh." Jiroh wrinkles his nose. "Gross."

Shishido grunts in agreement, and in the next second, Jiroh lapses back into sleep.

"I want to join the team!" the girl finally shrieks. "I can beat one of the regulars right here, now." After all, she's much too talented for the girls' team – clearly, her skill deserved a spot on the boys' team. Now.

Atobe stares at her with a faintly smug smile. "Do not worry, commoner – you can still catch glimpses of Ore-sama's prowess even without being on the team," he assures. "Kabaji." He snaps.

Kabaji swiftly moves forward – so fast that she doesn't even notice him approaching – and picks her up and holds her at arm's length, legs dangling helplessly several inches off the floor. The girl shrieks, then, horrified, and Gakuto laughs in pure amusement.

"This is the best fucking practice. Ever," he says. "Na, Yuushi, next week, we should bring in one of _your_ crazy fans."

"Mm. My fans know to keep their legs in beautiful condition," Oshitari replies, already considering the idea.

Kabaji stalks back to stand in front of the bleachers, and raises the girl a little higher, so that Atobe can peer down at her properly from his seat on the bleachers. "Ooh," Choutarou fawns, then, leaning closer to Shishido. "This looks like the scene from Lion King."

"Her face is…" Atobe pauses dramatically. "Passable."

The girl gapes.

"Alright. You have received my blessing to join Ore-sama's official fan club," he declares, and snaps.

Kabaji abruptly swings her around and she screams again, and continues screaming, until he's set her back down on the floor. She breaks into a frantic run for the gates.

Atobe watches with a smirk. "She's still working off the excitement of having been so close to Ore-sama," he nods, and Shishido chortles.

"Ooh, or we can bring in one of _my_ crazy fans – I bet I can find one crazier than that one!" Gakuto crows.

* * *

**RIKKAI DAI**

Rikkai Dai will be different.

She tells herself this, as she walks into the courts dressed in sweats, instead of tennis shorts. She combs a hand through her short hair, rolls her shoulders to work out the kinks, and strides into the regulars' area. It's after school, now, and only the regulars stay this late.

Rikkai Dai values winning even _more_ than Hyotei does. Here, she will finally join the boys' team.

When she gets to the group of regulars, however, she does not see the captain or the vice-captain - or the other third of the Demon generals, Yanagi. She only sees the other regulars, stretching and warming up. She figures that she'll challenge one of them instead, and work her way up to defeating the captain and vice-captain later.

She stands in front of them for a few minutes, and when not one of them spare her a second glance, she clears her throat. Five pairs of eyes – sharp, intuitive, _predatory_ – glance up instantaneously, and suddenly, she has all of them training their gaze on her. She stands a little taller. "I want a match. To join the team," she says.

Jackal, with a frown, opens his mouth to say something – but Yagyuu silences him with a faint nudge. Jackal falls silent and his frown deepens, but he says nothing. From beside him, Marui pops his gum with a cheery smile. Niou whistles a nondescript tune.

It is Kirihara who stands up, and with a grin, says "Sure. C'mon."

The girl relaxes. _Finally._

The two walk to the nearest courts, and within seconds, the match has started without any complications. She's thrilled. Finally, _finally_, it's happening-

-they rally for a while, and she feels confident that she can win this. He's nothing special, she thinks, nothing like the terrifying power she'd read about in the newspaper articles. She decides that it's time for her to take this point-

-and slams a brutal smash, even adding a little hop as she does so.

She hears it connect loudly with the other side of the courts, and smiles victoriously.

But Kirihara only returns it as easily as he has all her other hits, with hardly a twitch to his expression. The girl returns his serve normally, with a blooming frown; perhaps she'd messed that smash up. She'll try it again.

And for the next ten minutes, she continues to try smashes and lobs and directed hits to the corner, in an attempt to score a point – but she can't, because he only returns them with all the ease of a light rally, and that's what it stays.

From the sidelines, Niou is snickering into Marui's shoulder – which is shaking from his own laughter. Jackal sighs, and takes this time to get to re-gripping that racket he's meant to do for a week now. Yagyuu simply watches with a small smile.

The gates squeak ever so slightly, and the watching regulars freeze at the familiar presence that enters.

Kirihara, however, has yet to notice, and instead continues to rally. Not one point has been scored to either side since the start of the match, roughly twenty minutes ago.

"Akaya," a rough, stern bark.

Kirihara freezes, then, and he ignores the fact that the girl has returned his hit in favor of grimacing and turning slowly to face the newcomers. She scores that point, and she squeals in excitement, before turning to face whoever it was who had come. Ah, she notes with satisfaction – Yukimura and Sanada. They surely saw her score that point, right?

"Why are you wasting your time?" Sanada demands, at the same time Yukimura's softly smiling demeanor asks, "Playing with your food again, Akaya?"

Kirihara flinches at Sanada's words, but can't help the sheepish smile at Yukimura's. "Sorry, buchou, fukubuchou- I was just bored, see-"

"So you decide to play with a girl?" Yukimura raises an entertained brow.

The girl freezes.

At that point, the Niou and Marui break out into loud guffaws, doubling over at their stomachs. Yagyuu smiles deviously, and even Jackal, for all his attempts at seriousness, cannot help the smile twitching on his lips. Kirihara's sheepish smile grows.

At the laughter, the girl is confused for a few minutes. And then, she realizes – that they've all known, all along, that she was a girl. Had gone along with it, for whatever reason she cannot fathom. At this point, the reason doesn't matter, she thinks. She'll prove her skill regardless of her gender, and make a place on the team.

"Akaya, you'll be getting laps for this," Sanada murmurs, admonishingly. Kirihara whines.

"And you have such a terrible habit of playing with your food," Yukimura adds. The girl frowns, confused. Food? Playing?

No matter. She's gone through hell and beyond to get to here, and she'll show them her tennis skills, even if it kills her. With that thought in mind, she tosses the ball up into the air, and serves for the next game-

-even as the ball hurtles towards Kirihara, he pays it no heed. Sanada and Yukimura, from just outside the court lines, hardly spare it any attention, either, and all three are preoccupied with a conversation. The girl purses her lips. Well, if he's willing to just lose this point, then…

"But fukubuchouuuu," Kirihara whines, and without even turning to face the ball, swings his racket absentmindedly; it connects with the ball, and far faster than anything he'd hit in the previous twenty minutes of the game, it hurtles towards the far corner of her side of the courts and bounces down and out. "Technically I _was_ practicing!"

The girl blinks, eyes wide.

Fifteen-all.

The three continue their conversation as though nothing has happened.

She serves again.

And this time, Kirihara's head is thrown back, and his sad eyes are staring at the sky as he continues to whine; nevertheless, when the ball comes near, he swings his racket easily, and returns it sharply without even a bat of an eye.

Thirty-fifteen.

The girl gapes.

And then, finally-

"Why is she here, to begin with?" Sanada finally bellows, and turns irritated eyes to face her. Yukimura follows suit, though he wears a deceptively soft smile.

"She said she wants to join the boys' team," Kirihara huffs petulantly, still peeved at his punishment.

"_Absolutely not_!" Sanada roars, and she can swear that she sees a popping vein along his temple.

"I don't see why not," Yukimura says, then, smile growing. "If she's able to defeat Akaya, then perhaps we should place her on the team. 'Rikkai dai, always win,' right, Genichiro?"

At that, Sanada flounders briefly, choked sounds passing his throat. The girl smirks. Bring it on. Ignoring Sanada, Yukimura turns and faces the girl with that ever-present sweet curve along his lips. "Good luck," he murmurs, and pulls Sanada along by the arm to join the rest of the regulars at the sideline, who stare at Yukimura as though he's grown a second head.

"C'mon," she calls across the courts. "Let's finish this game."

She can win this, she thinks.

Wrong.

So wrong.

She doesn't understand.

She doesn't understand where all this power suddenly surged forth from. She's unable to return a single shot, unable to catch up to any of them halfway; on the off chance she _does_ get in position, her racket is blown out of her hand instead.

She glances at him from across the courts, horror pooling in her eyes.

Now she understands – that he's only been playing with her before. Like a lion playing with its prey, she thinks with a hysterical laugh bubbling to her lips, because it's _bored_, right before it _devours its food whole_-

And she's not sure if this is the hallucination of fatigue, but she can see his eyes starting to tinge red, his canines starting to sharpen-

"Akaya," she hears the soft voice call. "Control yourself. We don't need a lawsuit."

She sees a pout suddenly cross the boy's features, and suddenly, he's back to that innocent appearance-

-but he's not innocent, not really, because with a cry, her racket is blown from her hand.

She falls to the ground at last, nursing her pulsing wrist, racket clattering against the courts.

"Six games to love," she hears.

"Oh my god – did you see Sanada's face when he came in and saw Akaya playing with that girl? _Priceless_," Niou crows, clapping Marui on the shoulder. The redhead agrees, and pops his gum.

"What was up with that chick, though?" he wonders.

"I thought she was a transvestite," Jackal admits. "I thought we were all just being respectful by not saying anything."

Niou laughs even harder, face tinged red.

Renji's face appears thoughtful. "There's a thirty three point five percent chance that she's mentally unbalanced," he murmurs. "A sixty six point five percent chance that she actually wanted to join the boys' team."

A pause from the boys.

"Crazy," they decide unanimously, and Yukimura laughs beautifully.

Sanada has yet to return from running laps, attempting to get over the entire incident.

* * *

That weekend, the three schools met up for a round of goodwill games. As the teams were split into pairs and matches, the captains and vice captains took the time to take a little sidebar time at the edge of the courts. Though Hyotei did not have a vice-captain, per say, Atobe brought along Kabaji to hold a parasol over his head.

"So I had quite an interesting experience as of late," Yukimura starts. Sanada's lips flatten into a line.

Tezuka frowns, and from beside him, Oishi exclaims "Oh, we did too!"

But Atobe smirks over them all, declaring "Ore-sama is quite sure that his experience trumps all of yours."


End file.
